PARENTING ADVICE FOR TODAY'S STRESSED OUT PARENTS

I don't know exactly when it started or how it started but it did, and now this is what we've got:

Stressed out parents with uncontrollable children and no clue about how to fix the situation. Then, we have other parents who have escaped into a bottle of wine, or a joint of reefer, or some other form of escapism and are just waiting for SOMETHING TO CHANGE; not realizing that they are the ones who have to change and make the changes they want in their children.

The time to fix the barn door is BEFORE the horses are running all over the pasture...not after.

It may have begun when babies began having babies back in the 1980's; when sex was everywhere and unwanted children became the result. But, truth be told...young girls have been having babies for centuries, BUT IT WAS THE EXTENDED FAMILY GUIDANCE that usually got them through their parenting duties. Nowadays, it seems like no one knows what they are doing and everybody is totally confused about what to do with these new "Indigo Children," whom I say, are from another planet. They are so talented and creative, but they have absolutely no sense of decorum or respect for authority, whatsoever. And, that is because the world around them is so out of control.

There is hope and all is not totally lost--- because there are still parents all over the world who have raised wonderful, well-behaved and more importantly, RESPECTFUL children--- and that is the most important thing. What is their secret, you ask? They took the advice of someone who has done the job before, and knows how to do it. They usually had role models like a good parent, a grandparent or other family member or friend. They did not ignore the time-tested, effective methods of child rearing that go back for centuries.

"Spare the rod and spoil the child..." is not just a saying from the Bible that allows you to physically abuse your child into submission.

It means that, IF YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL of your own child, then ask yourself, who or what is in control? Modern parents, unfortunately must work to support their families and this is where they initially they have lost control. Children no longer look to their parents as authority figures. They have babysitters, and child care workers, and other family members, the television, their cell phones, movies, videos and you name it...everything and everybody except their parents to look up to. And, you wonder what the problem is? Even though the world has changed dramatically, that does not mean that you should just give up and give in to the bad influences. If you do...I guarantee you...you will regret it.

The 6 Easy Rules of Parenting

1. Establish the Hierarchy

a. You are the parent. You are the one in control and never let them forget it. The minute that you succumb to their wishes, or their desires, or their wants...you have relinquished control. (See #3. below about Punishments and Rewards) This does not mean that you have to rule the house with an iron fist, but you do need to let them know that they are not going to get away with bad or defiant behavior EVER! This starts when they are less than two-years-old and continues until they are out of your home. Just like my parents used to say: "As long as you live in MY HOME you will follow MY RULES." When they move out and pay rent somewhere else, then they can do what they want to do. But, as long as you provide for them, feed, house and clothe them, they must be respectful to you. However, RESPECT is a two way street...You must also respect them in order to earn their respect.

And, speaking of RULES..

2. Establish the Rules

Children do NOT do well wherever there is chaos. That means that children should have a ROUTINE, and you as the parent must make sure that they can and do follow that routine. YOU cannot be loosey-goosey with bedtimes, or mealtimes, or school work, or dress codes or anything else that has to do with running YOUR house in an organized manner. The minute that you break a rule or allow them to do something that you previously had told them that they could not do, you have lost the game. And, that means that you must BE CONSISTENT...not you can do it sometimes, but not at other times. It has to be ALL OF THE TIME. So, beware of children playing one parent against the other, even if both parents are not present in the home at the same time. This is usually an older child's trick, when one parent says to do something one way and the other parent says do it another way. BOTH PARENTS must be on the same page with the household rules, or else you will lose the child.

THIS IS CALLED DISCIPLINE.

3. Establish Clear and Definitive Punishments Along with Rewards

Parenting cannot always be about punishing your child when they do something wrong. It also has to be about rewarding them when they do something right, also. "You catch more flies with honey..." is a time-tested adage that means that a child, who is probably looking for your love and attention, will do anything to get that attention...even if it's your negative attention. There always has to be a punishment for wrong behavior, as well as a reward when they comply with your wishes. And, there can't be rewards for bad behavior, either. A child who misbehaves throughout the year but still gets whatever toy or game or special treatment, for holidays, birthdays or other occasions is a confused child. They will play you every time because they know that you will give in and they will get their way, regardless. Grow a back bone, be consistent, mean what you say and say what you mean. Never give children idle threats, because then, they will think that you are a wimp and will end up totally disrespecting you in the long run. You may not be able to beat your children according to the new laws,but there are several ways to stop temper tantrums without harming your child. My mother used a well-placed pinch under the arm until we calmed down. I used the "Vulcan Death Grip" on the shoulder (I hope I don't have to explain that one to you,) and then there is also the "Hug Technique"; where you hug and hold the child until they calm down so that they don't hurt you or themselves. There are many others but I will let you come up with your own, so long as you don't leave bruises or scars.

4. Establish the Love Connection

If you love your child as much as you say you do...THEN SHOW THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM. Dish out large doses of hugs and kisses. You only get 11 or 12 years to do this, after that you can forget about getting them back, but I guarantee you they will appreciate the attention that you give to them in the long run. Even if you are a busy parent, or an absent parent you can show your child love and affection on a regular basis. And, the more you show and tell your child that you love them, the more love and appreciation AND GOOD BEHAVIOR you will get in return. But, a child who does not feel appreciated or loved as a human being will turn against you in a heartbeat. Also, do not try to BUY YOUR CHILD'S LOVE or GOOD BEHAVIOR. We already know that guilty, busy parents are doing this everyday. But, most children understand when you can't always buy them what they want, but they don't understand why you can't spend time with them...AT ALL. A neglected child is a confused child, also. Quality time could be as little as 10 minutes a day, but it is like water to a dying plant when given to a child who just wants to feel that you truly care about them.

5. Establish Their Self-Esteem and Self-Worth in the Family Unit

There is nothing sadder than a child who does not feel wanted or loved or valuable to the world. Many parents demean their children by calling them names and making them feel less than human. Your child may not be the smartest, the most beautiful or the most talented crayon in the box...but that doesn't mean that you have to remind them of their shortcomings or physical imperfections on a daily basis. Teach them to love themselves AS THEY ARE...and, simultaneously encourage them to work on their flaws and weaknesses. Just don't make it a constant thing in the family unit, by allowing other family members to contribute to the mayhem. Never make fun of them and never allow anyone else to make fun of them either, because then they will begin to ACT OUT their feelings of disappointment and inadequacy in bad behavior; the very behavior that you are trying to prevent in the first place.

And, speaking of bad behavior...

6. Establish Your Role Model Status

Just remember: Your children are watching and listening to you from day #1. Never, ever say to them: "Do as I say and not as I do..." because it just doesn't fly in their world. As long as you are doing whatever you want to do, they are going to want to do whatever they want to do. Now, I can't tell you how to run your life and I would never attempt to do so. However, how can you expect your children to be well-behaved and disciplined when you yourself are a mess of inconsistencies? 

So, there you have it stressed-out parents. Six simple steps that you can begin to implement in your home right away. It may take some time to REVERSE the damage that has already been done, but at least you have a guideline now...and you don't have to take a long course or read a thick book that might not apply to how you want your children to be raised. Take your time, and take your parenting duties seriously. The end product will be a well-behaved, loving child who will make you proud in the long run.

Now, there is so much more I could add, pertaining to family dynamics, divorced and separated parents, making health care decisions, diet and exercise guidelines, exposure to appropriate and inappropriate media, negative outside influences, family trauma, substance abuse, and religious or spiritual training, but, I think that if you follow the above 6 rules...THE REST IS JUST COMMON SENSE.

And, please---read my stories about a woman who learned the hard way how to be a good parent. These are not parenting manuals...they are stories about a modern family struggling to find their way in a world gone insane with illness, bad influences, and just plain lack of CONTROL. 

They will be available on Amazon.com the week of 4-9-20  Each book is less than $20

GOOD LUCK AND GOOD PARENTING!