YOU EITHER
HAVE IT ALL OR NOTHING AT ALL
by Carla J. 2019
Today I watched a documentary about the
life and music of Ms. Whitney Houston Brown and, to say the least, it
was INCOMPLETE---just like Whitney's life. We were left
hanging with more questions that remained unanswered than
answered. It opened my eyes though, to something and confirmed my own
suspicions about SUCCESS and what happens in the minds of
people who seem to "have it all."
I am the type of person who recognizes
when something is missing from a discussion immediately. Watching
this video was like looking at a big puzzle with a huge missing
piece. Whereas, most people might have said: "Oh what a lovely
picture." I said: "But, something very important is so
obviously missing." I sensed it throughout the entire video and
had my suspicions confirmed before it was over.
Curiously enough, Bobby Brown,one
of the most influential people in her life, did not want to talk
about the most obvious problem that Whitney had, and vehemently
denied that she even had a drug problem. In his words: "It
had nothing to do with her." What, Bobby? What drugs
have you been taking, to be able to say that with a straight
face? Did both of you lose your minds somewhere along the way for you
to avoid incrimination?
It was as if someone had edited or
controlled the entire production to avoid the main topics of
discussion: a. What made her turn to drugs? and b. Why did she die at
such a young age? What it obviously had nothing to do with was God,
because Whitney was a "CHURCH GIRL," you might say.
She attended services regularly and grew up in the Baptist church,
therefore you could not say that she needed Jesus in her life.
Whether or not a person is religious enough, does not solve all their
problems, unequivocally.
She was beautiful, talented, popular
and rich beyond words...therefore, something else had to have been
missing or else something else had to have happened to her that no
one wanted to talk about AT ALL. It was even revealed that she
had been sexually molested as a child, which I had suspected because
that is usually the underlying cause of so many, so-called successful
people's problems and the reason why they usually turn to drugs or
alcohol to escape the memories, guilt, and shame of it all.
But, why would they discuss something
so personal and devastating about her life as sexual abuse (by a
family member, at that), and skip over the most painfully obvious
cause of her problems? I would suspect that they wanted to protect
her image as one of the most successful entertainers in the world
rather than reveal the one thing that she did not and could not have
had to save her own life.
Whitney did
not love Whitney.
This is the weakness that a great many
"successful" people have, that has absolutely nothing to do
with what they look like, how much money they have in the bank, or if
they have someone in their lives to love them. This is THE ALL
that a person must have, or else they will truly have nothing AT
ALL. This is the reason why so many marriages fail, and again why
people who seem to have everything that everyone else desires, but
they cannot get past that one thing... their
Lack of Self-love.
The other painful thing that she had to
deal with was BETRAYAL by her closest allies, family members
and so-called friends. Her slippery slope to Hell began with the
betrayal of her best friend, Robin, who made her choose between her
and Bobby, moved on to the lawsuit and greed of her father for her
money, and ended with Bobby getting another woman pregnant while they
were still married. But, it wasn't just another ordinary
woman...it was the biggest whore in Hollywood at the time, otherwise known as
Karrine "Superhead" Steffans.
You see...Whitney was a Leo (born
August 9th, 1963) and one thing a Leo woman cannot stand is being upstaged
by someone whom they see as being less than they are. She and her
mother were shown discussing how untalented they thought that both
Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul were, but those women were receiving
greater recognition and attention from the public, at the time. Once a
diva...always a diva. Whitney was the BEST at what she did, but her
star was beginning to fade a bit, to say the least. She and Bobby
were having huge problems in their marriage, and their lives were
beginning to unravel.
Bobby had not only been unfaithful, he
went so far as to have had unprotected sex with that disgusting woman
AND got her pregnant. That was one of the biggest slaps in the face
that Whitney could have ever received in her life. I believe that she
truly loved Bobby, for what it was worth, and for him to have debased
himself in that manner; embarrassing both him and her, just truly
made Whitney feel less than valuable to herself. Forget about
what the world was saying about her talent and her beauty. If the one
person who supposedly is the most important person in your life does
not see your value, you will question yourself endlessly.
"Why am I not good enough for him
to love me like I need to be loved?"
"Why was he having sex with a
whore, when he had one of the most talented, beautiful women in the
world in his own bed?"
Something else they didn't discuss was
that fact that in February 2012 there was a show that honored the top
20 best selling, most-talented (or something) women in the music
industry. Whitney's name was nowhere to be found on the list. How
could you skip her? How could you forget her? How could you not honor
the only woman with seven #1 singles on the charts? Another--- huge
slap in the face.
They also did not discuss her
relationship at the time with Ray J., the singer Brandy Norwood's brother. She
had been chosen to play the role of the "Fairy Godmother"
in the TV Cinderella story that starred Brandy that previous year.
She had also been passed over for any accolades or recognition for her
performance in that production. Then, she and Ray J. began having
problems in their relationship; as witnessed by several people the night of the Grammy's
when she showed up to the after-party with scratches and scars from a
fight that they had just had that night. More secrets were being swept
under that rug that no one wanted to talk about.
Was she pregnant and that was the
reason why she looked so "bloated" and out of it on the set of
"Sparkle"? She had been chosen to play the role of
Sparkle's mother, in the movie starring Jordin Sparks; a supremely talented up and
coming star who has a powerful and beautiful voice, and Whitney was
losing hers as evidenced by the horrible performance that she'd put
on in Belgium where people walked out of her concert early.
So what was really going on in
Whitney's mind the night that she was found floating in the bathtub
of her hotel room? Had she been questioning her own self-worth? Was
she depressed about not getting the love and attention from a good
man in her life; something that I, as another Leo woman struggle with
daily? Could anyone else have saved her from herself, her
insecurities and her own self-doubt?
Unless, you have a guru, spiritual
adviser, mentor, or someone else who can explain to you exactly what
YOU NEED to overcome your demons in your own mind, you will never
achieve the "Greatest Love of All." Even Whitney must have doubted her own longevity as witnessed by her
resistance to drug rehabilitation. No one on this earth can make you
love yourself enough to stop your own destruction.
That is something that must come from a
place deep, deep inside your own soul. No Bible, religious book,
preacher, or other religious words or acts can help you. You could pray
yourself silly until you are blue in the face...but
SELF LOVE only comes from a place of acceptance. You must
accept that you are not perfect,--- but you must love yourself
anyway, BECAUSE THAT IS GOD'S PROMISE FOR YOUR LIFE. Love thyself
first, and all else shall be added unto thee.
(Paraphrasing that
other Bible verse.)
Earnest Hemingway once said that the
mark of a Great Writer "is a messed up
childhood." My own childhood probably would not qualify
me for a Pulitzer Prize, but it was surely messed up enough to
warrant a measure of recognition for me along the way. I find it very
difficult to write about my own childhood, simply because the
memories are just too traumatic for my delicate nature today. Therefore, I
write about other people's problems, in the hopes of gaining some measure of
understanding about how to overcome a "messed up childhood,"
which inevitably leads to a messed up adulthood.
Edgar Allen Poe, another great writer,
was forced to deal with the death of his mother and several of the other women whom he had loved dearly in his life, from tuberculosis. He
struggled with extreme poverty, and despite the recognition that he
received for his writing and his other accomplishments, he just couldn't seem to "get it together." He became highly judgmental as
a magazine editor/critic and became well-known for his scathing
critiques of the other popular writers of his time.
They attributed his ire to having been
rejected by his stepfather most of his life, after he became orphaned
as a young child. He became an alcoholic shortly after losing his wife; the
love of his life, and became utterly destitute and forlorn in the
ensuing years. In the end, he was found dirty, disheveled, and
disoriented; lying in a the street gutter where they had to rescue him and
put him into a sanatorium until his untimely death. His immense fame
did not lead to fortune and if it did, he somehow escaped "the
good life" that one might have expected from someone of his
stature and talent. His main recognition and accolades sadly came
decades after his demise.
Edgar was born and raised during the
later half of the 19th Century; at a time during which wars and political world
strife were practically unknown. It was an age where great artists
and writers like: Keats, Picasso, Cezanne, Dickens, Whitman,
Melville, Matisse, Van Gogh and even Ida B. Wells were venerated for
their unique and progressive outlooks on life. However, it was
also a time of great industrial change and developments that
contributed to the creation of horrible illnesses like Tuberculosis; known as the Red
Death, and Yellow Fever that were caused by the pollutants and toxins that were being
spewed into the environment; of which I am sure, the people were
totally unaware. Many people lost loved ones, (my family included)
which inevitably changed their lives permanently. Much like what is happening today, outside influences like those horrible illnesses, changed the very nature and dynamic of modern family life, which in turn, probably affected him very deeply, I am sure.
On the other hand, Earnest Hemingway
was born and raised during the first half of the 20th Century right
before WWI ("The war to end all wars..."?), in which he served as an
ambulance driver, but was ironically wounded so badly that he had to
spend almost two years of his service time in a military hospital recovering from his
wounds. His childhood had been, decidedly "middle class" enough,
however The Great War, probably changed him and his outlook on life, as deeply as it did many others during that time.
He returned home a war hero, and the
recognition more than likely made him a womanizer; as he could not
seem to stay married for any length of time. There was even a period of time where he lived with his current wife and his future wife at the same
time. That alone would have marked his life as being scandalous, to
say the least, not to mention the fact that he was recruited to be a
spy for the U.S. Navy during WWII. But, what drove him to excess and
finally into a deep depression in the end?
He struggled with negative
criticism of his writing talent towards the end of his career right
before he wrote The Old Man and the Sea; decidedly his most
glorious masterpiece. Yet again, the coming war and political
upheavals in Cuba, which forced him to leave his beloved new home which he called "Finca Virgia", totally devastated him. He began to drink heavily and
experienced episodes of dissociation from reality, and he too, ended
up being hospitalized right before his death.
He had literally, lost his "will
to live," which apparently is the main factor that leads a
person to want to end their life. Edgar Allen Poe had also lost his
will to live, indicating that a person needs a deeper reason and
better motivation to continue producing, living well, and doing what
they love besides accolades, money, fame, good looks and the recognition from the
public that their talent brings to them.
The list of celebrities who have
committed suicide; either slowly through alcoholism and drug abuse or
quickly by other violent means, is much too long to deny that talent,
fame and fortune are not enough to sustain a person's life. (And,
this list is not in any particular order or time frame) Robin Williams, John
Bellucci, Chris Farley, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Billie
Holiday, Courtney Love, River Phoenix, Anna Nicole Smith, and many,
many,many more. They were all extremely rich, beautiful and famous for what
and who they were but, it seemingly was just not enough.
Any
teenager who has struggled with their identity, or questioned their
sexuality and chose suicide over living would probably tell you that
it is the ultimate "escape mechanism." When the pain of
living overcomes the fear of dying, that is when nihilism
kicks in. When facing the world
becomes a heroic feat, but you just can't picture yourself as being a
superhero, that is when leaving here becomes a better alternative to
staying alive.
But how do
we help suicidal people fight against the despair and hopelessness
that make them want to reject life? We have to understand their pain
and what ending their life means to them. If we rush to tell them how
wonderful life is when all they know is deep despair, we may add to
their feeling that no one understands the depth of their pain.
There is a
certain kind of thinking that fuels suicide, and for most of us it is
a terribly difficult idea to sit with; that being suicidal is "problem-solving" behavior. In the mind of someone considering suicide, the act may
seem like an expeditious and effective way to eliminate their pain. No
matter what the situation is that brings a person to contemplate death,
there's one thing that all suicidal people share in common: They cannot
love life (or themselves) right now.
They have
experienced a basic and comprehensive breakdown in their values, way
of living, self-esteem, and ability to make sense out of life and to give
it meaning that restores their hope and will to live. It doesn't
matter how we'd respond ourselves or how trivial the circumstances may seem to us,
suicidal people cannot love life or find meaning in it, in their
deteriorated mental state. Nonetheless, it's important for us to know
that they do not really want to die, they just want a way out from
their suffering. Suicide seems to be the only way out.
Suicidal thinking
leads to a profound state of negativism, pessimism, nothingness and
emptiness. The will to live has become the will to die. The existentialists
call this a state of nihilism.
Some people fight this condition, but others give in to it. To better
understand the differences between people here, we have to appreciate
better, exactly what the act of suicide expresses.
"Their choice
to die, however, stems from what the existentialists call bad faith,
and distrusting that one still possess the ability to give meaning to
circumstance that liberate them from their suffering.
Even in the most heinous, restrictive of circumstance, human beings
still have the ability to exercise freedom, in giving meaningful
rather than nihilistic understandings to the things that happen to
them. This is the good faith approach to living and how the hero of "Life is Beautiful",
Guido Orifice, found a way to survive." From
The Edge of Suicide by Deborah Khoshaba, Psychology Today March 2012
Robin Williams once said right before
he killed himself: "I used to think that
the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst
thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." I, for one, understand this statement
completely, as I have felt totally alone in the middle of a crowd of
people many times. It is a mindset that separates you from everyone
else, whom you feel do not or cannot understand your pain. It
may seem irrational, but it is very real to a depressed person.
The experts tell us that suicide is
also a supreme act of selfishness. How could a person be so
uncaring and self-centered as to give the people whom they leave
behind their ultimate pain?
Psychologists would call this act
"transference"; where you replace or transfer what you are
feeling to someone else to literally make yourself feel better. However, we might think that there is absolutely no reason for someone to be so
sadistic as to leave a child without a parent, a mate without the
love of their lives, or a family member without their loved one. But,
that is how deep the psychosis of a depressed person is. We can't
think this way because we do not understand the agony of rejection or
the pain of an unfulfilled dream.
I must reiterate, "You
must love yourself, first..." under all circumstances!
Self-esteem, self-actualization,
and personal happiness are nebulous terms to be defined by the
individual who is feeling them--- and them alone. No one can or should
be able to define who you are or even who you think you are deep down
inside. Our personalities are made up of a myriad of facets and
complex components. These things originate in our childhoods, mostly
from what we learn or are told by OTHER people but, it begins to change as we get older and seek the approval of our peers or other contemporaries and it becomes what we tell ourselves.
But, you must not believe only what
they say, but also what you feel about yourself, too.
As a woman who has
gone through many degrading, painful and debilitating experiences in
her life, I too, have threatened and attempted to kill myself at
least three times. But, somehow I always knew that deep down inside,
I could never have completely gone through with it, because I did and I do love myself way too much. I also loved my children and my family far too
much to put them through it. I sustained my hope for the future; even
when that future looked as black as the night of my tortured soul.
I can't save the world, but I hope and
pray that someone who is reading this will also retain their hope for
the future. Find something good and worthy about yourself, so much
so that you realize that suicide or depression is not the answer. But, it just
might be the question that needs to be answered:
"Why does my
life look so bleak right now?
"How can I shine the light of God
and Love back into my life?"
Depression or Suicide is definitely not the way
out.
"The only way out...it to go
within, and to make it all better again."
