PREVENTING SUICIDE---YOU EITHER HAVE IT ALL...OR NOTHING AT ALL

YOU EITHER HAVE IT ALL OR NOTHING AT ALL

by Carla J. 2019

Today I watched a documentary about the life and music of Ms. Whitney Houston Brown and, to say the least, it was INCOMPLETE---just like Whitney's life. We were left hanging with more questions that remained unanswered than answered. It opened my eyes though, to something and confirmed my own suspicions about SUCCESS and what happens in the minds of people who seem to "have it all."

I am the type of person who recognizes when something is missing from a discussion immediately. Watching this video was like looking at a big puzzle with a huge missing piece. Whereas, most people might have said: "Oh what a lovely picture." I said: "But, something very important is so obviously missing." I sensed it throughout the entire video and had my suspicions confirmed before it was over.

Curiously enough, Bobby Brown,one of the most influential people in her life, did not want to talk about the most obvious problem that Whitney had, and vehemently denied that she even had a drug problem. In his words: "It had nothing to do with her." What, Bobby? What drugs have you been taking, to be able to say that with a straight face? Did both of you lose your minds somewhere along the way for you to avoid incrimination?

It was as if someone had edited or controlled the entire production to avoid the main topics of discussion: a. What made her turn to drugs? and b. Why did she die at such a young age? What it obviously had nothing to do with was God, because Whitney was a "CHURCH GIRL," you might say. She attended services regularly and grew up in the Baptist church, therefore you could not say that she needed Jesus in her life. Whether or not a person is religious enough, does not solve all their problems, unequivocally.

She was beautiful, talented, popular and rich beyond words...therefore, something else had to have been missing or else something else had to have happened to her that no one wanted to talk about AT ALL. It was even revealed that she had been sexually molested as a child, which I had suspected because that is usually the underlying cause of so many, so-called successful people's problems and the reason why they usually turn to drugs or alcohol to escape the memories, guilt, and shame of it all.

But, why would they discuss something so personal and devastating about her life as sexual abuse (by a family member, at that), and skip over the most painfully obvious cause of her problems? I would suspect that they wanted to protect her image as one of the most successful entertainers in the world rather than reveal the one thing that she did not and could not have had to save her own life.

Whitney did not love Whitney.

This is the weakness that a great many "successful" people have, that has absolutely nothing to do with what they look like, how much money they have in the bank, or if they have someone in their lives to love them. This is THE ALL that a person must have, or else they will truly have nothing AT ALL. This is the reason why so many marriages fail, and again why people who seem to have everything that everyone else desires, but they cannot get past that one thing... their Lack of Self-love.

The other painful thing that she had to deal with was BETRAYAL by her closest allies, family members and so-called friends. Her slippery slope to Hell began with the betrayal of her best friend, Robin, who made her choose between her and Bobby, moved on to the lawsuit and greed of her father for her money, and ended with Bobby getting another woman pregnant while they were still married. But, it wasn't just another ordinary woman...it was the biggest whore in Hollywood at the time, otherwise known as Karrine "Superhead" Steffans.

You see...Whitney was a Leo (born August 9th, 1963) and one thing a Leo woman cannot stand is being upstaged by someone whom they see as being less than they are. She and her mother were shown discussing how untalented they thought that both Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul were, but those women were receiving greater recognition and attention from the public, at the time. Once a diva...always a diva. Whitney was the BEST at what she did, but her star was beginning to fade a bit, to say the least. She and Bobby were having huge problems in their marriage, and their lives were beginning to unravel.

Bobby had not only been unfaithful, he went so far as to have had unprotected sex with that disgusting woman AND got her pregnant. That was one of the biggest slaps in the face that Whitney could have ever received in her life. I believe that she truly loved Bobby, for what it was worth, and for him to have debased himself in that manner; embarrassing both him and her, just truly made Whitney feel less than valuable to herself. Forget about what the world was saying about her talent and her beauty. If the one person who supposedly is the most important person in your life does not see your value, you will question yourself endlessly.

"Why am I not good enough for him to love me like I need to be loved?"

"Why was he having sex with a whore, when he had one of the most talented, beautiful women in the world in his own bed?"

Something else they didn't discuss was that fact that in February 2012 there was a show that honored the top 20 best selling, most-talented (or something) women in the music industry. Whitney's name was nowhere to be found on the list. How could you skip her? How could you forget her? How could you not honor the only woman with seven #1 singles on the charts? Another--- huge slap in the face.

They also did not discuss her relationship at the time with Ray J., the singer Brandy Norwood's brother. She had been chosen to play the role of the "Fairy Godmother" in the TV Cinderella story that starred Brandy that previous year. She had also been passed over for any accolades or recognition for her performance in that production. Then, she and Ray J. began having problems in their relationship; as witnessed by several people the night of the Grammy's when she showed up to the after-party with scratches and scars from a fight that they had just had that night. More secrets were being swept under that rug that no one wanted to talk about.

Was she pregnant and that was the reason why she looked so "bloated" and out of it on the set of "Sparkle"? She had been chosen to play the role of Sparkle's mother, in the movie starring Jordin Sparks; a supremely talented up and coming star who has a powerful and beautiful voice, and Whitney was losing hers as evidenced by the horrible performance that she'd put on in Belgium where people walked out of her concert early.

So what was really going on in Whitney's mind the night that she was found floating in the bathtub of her hotel room? Had she been questioning her own self-worth? Was she depressed about not getting the love and attention from a good man in her life; something that I, as another Leo woman struggle with daily? Could anyone else have saved her from herself, her insecurities and her own self-doubt?

Unless, you have a guru, spiritual adviser, mentor, or someone else who can explain to you exactly what YOU NEED to overcome your demons in your own mind, you will never achieve the "Greatest Love of All."  Even Whitney must have doubted her own longevity as witnessed by her resistance to drug rehabilitation. No one on this earth can make you love yourself enough to stop your own destruction.

That is something that must come from a place deep, deep inside your own soul. No Bible, religious book, preacher, or other religious words or acts can help you. You could pray yourself silly until you are blue in the face...but SELF LOVE only comes from a place of acceptance. You must accept that you are not perfect,--- but you must love yourself anyway, BECAUSE THAT IS GOD'S PROMISE FOR YOUR LIFE. Love thyself first, and all else shall be added unto thee. 

(Paraphrasing that other Bible verse.)

Earnest Hemingway once said that the mark of a Great Writer "is a messed up childhood." My own childhood probably would not qualify me for a Pulitzer Prize, but it was surely messed up enough to warrant a measure of recognition for me along the way. I find it very difficult to write about my own childhood, simply because the memories are just too traumatic for my delicate nature today. Therefore, I write about other people's problems, in the hopes of gaining some measure of understanding about how to overcome a "messed up childhood," which inevitably leads to a messed up adulthood.

Edgar Allen Poe, another great writer, was forced to deal with the death of his mother and several of the other women whom he had loved dearly in his life, from tuberculosis. He struggled with extreme poverty, and despite the recognition that he received for his writing and his other accomplishments, he just couldn't seem to "get it together." He became highly judgmental as a magazine editor/critic and became well-known for his scathing critiques of the other popular writers of his time.

They attributed his ire to having been rejected by his stepfather most of his life, after he became orphaned as a young child. He became an alcoholic shortly after losing his wife; the love of his life, and became utterly destitute and forlorn in the ensuing years. In the end, he was found dirty, disheveled, and disoriented; lying in a the street gutter where they had to rescue him and put him into a sanatorium until his untimely death. His immense fame did not lead to fortune and if it did, he somehow escaped "the good life" that one might have expected from someone of his stature and talent. His main recognition and accolades sadly came decades after his demise.

Edgar was born and raised during the later half of the 19th Century; at a time during which wars and political world strife were practically unknown. It was an age where great artists and writers like: Keats, Picasso, Cezanne, Dickens, Whitman, Melville, Matisse, Van Gogh and even Ida B. Wells were venerated for their unique and progressive outlooks on life. However, it was also a time of great industrial change and developments that contributed to the creation of horrible illnesses like Tuberculosis; known as the Red Death, and Yellow Fever that were caused by the pollutants and toxins that were being spewed into the environment; of which I am sure, the people were totally unaware. Many people lost loved ones, (my family included) which inevitably changed their lives permanently. Much like what is happening today, outside influences like those horrible illnesses, changed the very nature and dynamic of modern family life, which in turn, probably affected him very deeply, I am sure.

On the other hand, Earnest Hemingway was born and raised during the first half of the 20th Century right before WWI ("The war to end all wars..."?), in which he served as an ambulance driver, but was ironically wounded so badly that he had to spend almost two years of his service time in a military hospital recovering from his wounds. His childhood had been, decidedly "middle class" enough, however The Great War, probably changed him and his outlook on life, as deeply as it did many others during that time.

He returned home a war hero, and the recognition more than likely made him a womanizer; as he could not seem to stay married for any length of time. There was even a period of time where he lived with his current wife and his future wife at the same time. That alone would have marked his life as being scandalous, to say the least, not to mention the fact that he was recruited to be a spy for the U.S. Navy during WWII. But, what drove him to excess and finally into a deep depression in the end?

He struggled with negative criticism of his writing talent towards the end of his career right before he wrote The Old Man and the Sea; decidedly his most glorious masterpiece. Yet again, the coming war and political upheavals in Cuba, which forced him to leave his beloved new home which he called "Finca Virgia", totally devastated him. He began to drink heavily and experienced episodes of dissociation from reality, and he too, ended up being hospitalized right before his death.

He had literally, lost his "will to live," which apparently is the main factor that leads a person to want to end their life. Edgar Allen Poe had also lost his will to live, indicating that a person needs a deeper reason and better motivation to continue producing, living well, and doing what they love besides accolades, money, fame, good looks and the recognition from the public that their talent brings to them.

The list of celebrities who have committed suicide; either slowly through alcoholism and drug abuse or quickly by other violent means, is much too long to deny that talent, fame and fortune are not enough to sustain a person's life. (And, this list is not in any particular order or time frame) Robin Williams, John Bellucci, Chris Farley, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Billie Holiday, Courtney Love, River Phoenix, Anna Nicole Smith, and many, many,many more. They were all extremely rich, beautiful and famous for what and who they were but, it seemingly was just not enough.

Any teenager who has struggled with their identity, or questioned their sexuality and chose suicide over living would probably tell you that it is the ultimate "escape mechanism." When the pain of living overcomes the fear of dying, that is when nihilism kicks in. When facing the world becomes a heroic feat, but you just can't picture yourself as being a superhero, that is when leaving here becomes a better alternative to staying alive.

But how do we help suicidal people fight against the despair and hopelessness that make them want to reject life? We have to understand their pain and what ending their life means to them. If we rush to tell them how wonderful life is when all they know is deep despair, we may add to their feeling that no one understands the depth of their pain.

There is a certain kind of thinking that fuels suicide, and for most of us it is a terribly difficult idea to sit with; that being suicidal is "problem-solving" behavior. In the mind of someone considering suicide, the act may seem like an expeditious and effective way to eliminate their pain. No matter what the situation is that brings a person to contemplate death, there's one thing that all suicidal people share in common: They cannot love life (or themselves) right now.

They have experienced a basic and comprehensive breakdown in their values, way of living, self-esteem, and ability to make sense out of life and to give it meaning that restores their hope and will to live. It doesn't matter how we'd respond ourselves or how trivial the circumstances may seem to us, suicidal people cannot love life or find meaning in it, in their deteriorated mental state. Nonetheless, it's important for us to know that they do not really want to die, they just want a way out from their suffering. Suicide seems to be the only way out.

Suicidal thinking leads to a profound state of negativism, pessimism, nothingness and emptiness. The will to live has become the will to die. The existentialists call this a state of nihilism. Some people fight this condition, but others give in to it. To better understand the differences between people here, we have to appreciate better, exactly what the act of suicide expresses.

"Their choice to die, however, stems from what the existentialists call bad faith, and distrusting that one still possess the ability to give meaning to circumstance that liberate them from their suffering. Even in the most heinous, restrictive of circumstance, human beings still have the ability to exercise freedom, in giving meaningful rather than nihilistic understandings to the things that happen to them. This is the good faith approach to living and how the hero of "Life is Beautiful", Guido Orifice, found a way to survive." From The Edge of Suicide by Deborah Khoshaba, Psychology Today March 2012

Robin Williams once said right before he killed himself: "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone."  I, for one, understand this statement completely, as I have felt totally alone in the middle of a crowd of people many times. It is a mindset that separates you from everyone else, whom you feel do not or cannot understand your pain. It may seem irrational, but it is very real to a depressed person.

The experts tell us that suicide is also a supreme act of selfishness. How could a person be so uncaring and self-centered as to give the people whom they leave behind their ultimate pain? 

Psychologists would call this act "transference"; where you replace or transfer what you are feeling to someone else to literally make yourself feel better.  However, we might think that there is absolutely no reason for someone to be so sadistic as to leave a child without a parent, a mate without the love of their lives, or a family member without their loved one. But, that is how deep the psychosis of a depressed person is. We can't think this way because we do not understand the agony of rejection or the pain of an unfulfilled dream.

I must reiterate, "You must love yourself, first..." under all circumstances! 

Self-esteem, self-actualization, and personal happiness are nebulous terms to be defined by the individual who is feeling them--- and them alone. No one can or should be able to define who you are or even who you think you are deep down inside. Our personalities are made up of a myriad of facets and complex components. These things originate in our childhoods, mostly from what we learn or are told by OTHER people but, it begins to change as we get older and seek the approval of our peers or other contemporaries and it becomes what we tell ourselves. 

But, you must not believe only what they say, but also what you feel about yourself, too. 

 As a woman who has gone through many degrading, painful and debilitating experiences in her life, I too, have threatened and attempted to kill myself at least three times. But, somehow I always knew that deep down inside, I could never have completely gone through with it, because I did and I do love myself way too much. I also loved my children and my family far too much to put them through it. I sustained my hope for the future; even when that future looked as black as the night of my tortured soul.

I can't save the world, but I hope and pray that someone who is reading this will also retain their hope for the future.  Find something good and worthy about yourself, so much so that you realize that suicide or depression is not the answer. But, it just might be the question that needs to be answered: 

"Why does my life look so bleak right now? 

"How can I shine the light of God and Love back into my life?"  

Depression or Suicide is definitely not the way out.

"The only way out...it to go within, and to make it all better again."